There are going to be a few rhetorical questions within this post, please do not fear for my mental state nor feel the need to reassure me. I am just curious about how my mind works and so am going to expand, in written form.
There are two things in this world that could keep me interested for the rest of my life. The human being and faith. These are the two things that have been causing my brain to whiz the last few days and I will be discussing them both. Potentially however, having opened with the statement that these topics could keep me going for years, I will not reach them both today.
Therefore, I am going to start with the human being. Today I had a sports massage, I have always been told my stress goes straight to my body and this is a very accurate way of describing the various quadruple knots I had pummeled today. This got me to thinking as my masseur asked where I hurt then went to a totally different part of my body and made me scream, the human body is befuddling beyond words.
Whilst I find the physical body fascinating, it is the complexity of the mind that gets me really twisted into knots. For example (and here is where my opening statement comes into effect) self worth.
There are some seriously awesome women of God around me. They are strong, fascinating, beautiful and have done truly great things, and yet they hang out with me. I find that I live within a permanent contradiction in my mind. I am almost split down the middle, with half of me thinking I am actually ok. This is not said in a feeble, fishing for compliments kind of way there is truly a part of myself that accepts the whole of me. I accept and am grateful for the love of God, I believe in it wholeheartedly. I accept that despite my regular bewilderment, there are individuals in this world who genuinely want to know me. I accept that I am intelligent and capable.
However, there is then the part of me which walks away from a meeting with one of these women questioning all that I said, or shies away from contacting another due to the very honourable intention of protecting them from the odious task of spending time in my company, or having to hear my whining.
I find these thoughts are, unsurprisingly, the ones that keep me down. The feelings of worthlessness which do not stem from a desire to be contradicted (many will understand the unease that is felt when people are really nice to you!), but are in fact a simple fact of life. My company is tiring, boring; I am ridiculous and self centred and probably come across as arrogant when in my happy and relaxed state I fling in a sarcastic comment about my awesomeness.
Fact is, I can rationally sit here and know that these feelings and thoughts are nonsense. These women I respect so much would not be choosing to meet me if they did not enjoy it or see some value to it.
It confuses me, that in my brain at the exact same moment, I can find absolute peace within myself and feel relaxed in who I am AND find that I think I am worthless and an embarrassment to the human race.
How two such strains of thought can fit so comfortably (or not, as my Dr might suggest) beside each other is a mystery. One that both intrigues me and excites me, I love my counselling sessions. I love digging into the puzzle of my brain, and I look forward to one day perhaps knowing how to master some of these thought patterns.
In the mean time I shall continue thinking about the mystery of the human mind, and marvelling at the God that loves me despite the fact that I spend the majority of my time asserting that his hard designed work is ‘rubbish, useless, worthless and forgettable’, which is really quite something. I don’t take criticism of my handiwork well, yet he not only tolerates it, he loves me and welcomes me into his peace giving love and grace.