What a week!

I don’t know how many people reading this have experienced that feeling of wishing you were dead. Not because you were suicidal but because life just feels like such an effort, that really, death must be the simpler option!

This is where I found myself last Wednesday. I am in a very good place in most ways, quite happy, content, etc etc but my brain insists I am not. I was signed off for a week by my doctor and told to rest. Don’t think about anything that causes my head to feel like it might explode, just focus on the good stuff.

I deleted all social media from my phone and decided to fully step back for a full week. I have mostly stuck to this – aside from promoting my brothers brilliant blog for Archbishop Cranmer, pointing to the brilliant Vicky Beeching’s new website, and mentioning a minor incident that occurred in my life…. see below.

It is strange being so absent from social media. I really do enjoy twitter and all the conversation and thoughts it brings. I found however, that I am never alone. I mentioned a bit about this in my last post, and it has been decidedly odd – I think in tweets and get astonishingly lonely without it. However, I have started to process some things that I had been neglecting.

Mike and IThis has actually been easier this week than most might have been. On Friday evening, Mike took me camping. Now anyone who knows me, even a little, knows camping is not something that really excites me. However, my darling Mike loves it so I really do need to experience it. He made sure I would enjoy it however, by proposing! So, I find myself, writing this with a desperate sense of sadness and hopelessness, combined with sheer joy, excitement and anticipation.

Anyone else as confused by my brain as me? On Saturday, less than 24 hours after getting engaged I chatted to Mike about the confusion in my brain.

I don’t think I really come across as a very depressed person. I am generally quite joyful, hyperactive and excitable. This is not an act it is a battle. My happy brain battling my depressed brain. Every thought that comes into my head has to be moderated – should I pay attention, should I take note? What is the purpose of that thought? Being truly happy and truly depressed all at once is really quite a challenge.

It has resulted in the other major event of the last week – moving in with the parents. I now live in a palace!! It is a somewhat surreal experience, waking up to Big Ben, but it is wonderful to be with my family. I feel slightly more separated from the world which helps me to decipher what pressures are things I need to respond to and which are my brain telling me I am useless, hopeless and failing to meet my ‘duties’.

I think this is also why I write. As I write I find I am starting to make sense of the various thoughts in my head. What does it mean to be me?

This, I suppose, is the ultimate question that we seek to have answered. I am trying to start some serious research into this topic. Not necessarily in a structured format, breaking down my character into sections. More by starting to research who the bible says I am. What does the encouragement and promises in the bible mean for my day to day living?

I don’t know how to answer it yet but hopefully over time I will start to be able to see something of a story.

In the mean time, I shall continue my odd combination of laughing, crying and being bemused by my brain, entertaining those around me with this erratic combination and a befuddled expression.

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  • It’s been a privilege getting to know you Katharine 🙂 God Bless in these exciting times, and this sentence “My happy brain battling my depressed brain!” totally resonated with me … I used to get asked “why do you smile so much?”, which doesn’t happen so much any more 🙁 but generally people are surprised to find that behind the smiles is someone who has to work hard every day at just being.

  • Congratulations! And yeah, I totally understand about the brain battle stuff, it’s hard work and can be so exhausting. My mood can go all over the place too, spend a lot of time trying to lift myself out of troughs. Trying to find out what the Bible says about who you are sounds very wise, I’m struggling with Bible study (and prayer) currently because my attention span is awful.

  • Perfect description of where my brain is on many occasions. Always feel worse on waking, but ‘doing’ always helps. Psychotherapy and God taught me that I AM worthy, as are you. God bless, and thanks for the blog

  • Thanks for this blog which J passed on to me – as a mother, I am very grateful for any insights as I watch my daughter struggle and do battle with her emotions.

  • Thanks for your transparency and honesty Katharine! I hear you. I’ve been working through http://21daybraindetox.com/ recently which is quick daily program. I struggle with it and wonder if it’s helping sometimes but I’m persisting which is amazing in itself! I do want to change the landscape of my brain to be more healthy and to choose life (Deut 30:19-20).

  • Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing in this place. It means a lot when other people are able to read and think “I’m not the only one then…” And I could completely resonate with this: ” As I write I find I am starting to make sense of the various thoughts in my head”. I so often can’t figure out what I’m feeling or thinking until I pick up a pen or my laptop.

  • Thanks for this post. Heard you at #cnmac13 yesterday which led me here.

    As others above have written, this is something many of us can empathise with – one of the reasons your honesty is so important, and encouraging.

    I’ve been feeling recently that although depression and other mental illnesses are being talked about a lot more, and losing much of their taboo status, it is not always combined with an increase of understanding – and who can be surprised, with such complex issues that are so hard to understand without first/second hand experience, nay even with that experience!

    I think this is why I find your post so encouraging, not because you are ‘talking about depression’ or even because it’s in an honest way, but because you are articulating your personal experiences in a relatable way, that give insight in to what many are going through.

    Yesterday I saw and listened to you, today I heard you. I think 🙂

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