I don’t know how many people reading this have experienced that feeling of wishing you were dead. Not because you were suicidal but because life just feels like such an effort, that really, death must be the simpler option!
This is where I found myself last Wednesday. I am in a very good place in most ways, quite happy, content, etc etc but my brain insists I am not. I was signed off for a week by my doctor and told to rest. Don’t think about anything that causes my head to feel like it might explode, just focus on the good stuff.
I deleted all social media from my phone and decided to fully step back for a full week. I have mostly stuck to this – aside from promoting my brothers brilliant blog for Archbishop Cranmer, pointing to the brilliant Vicky Beeching’s new website, and mentioning a minor incident that occurred in my life…. see below.
It is strange being so absent from social media. I really do enjoy twitter and all the conversation and thoughts it brings. I found however, that I am never alone. I mentioned a bit about this in my last post, and it has been decidedly odd – I think in tweets and get astonishingly lonely without it. However, I have started to process some things that I had been neglecting.
This has actually been easier this week than most might have been. On Friday evening, Mike took me camping. Now anyone who knows me, even a little, knows camping is not something that really excites me. However, my darling Mike loves it so I really do need to experience it. He made sure I would enjoy it however, by proposing! So, I find myself, writing this with a desperate sense of sadness and hopelessness, combined with sheer joy, excitement and anticipation.
Anyone else as confused by my brain as me? On Saturday, less than 24 hours after getting engaged I chatted to Mike about the confusion in my brain.
I don’t think I really come across as a very depressed person. I am generally quite joyful, hyperactive and excitable. This is not an act it is a battle. My happy brain battling my depressed brain. Every thought that comes into my head has to be moderated – should I pay attention, should I take note? What is the purpose of that thought? Being truly happy and truly depressed all at once is really quite a challenge.
It has resulted in the other major event of the last week – moving in with the parents. I now live in a palace!! It is a somewhat surreal experience, waking up to Big Ben, but it is wonderful to be with my family. I feel slightly more separated from the world which helps me to decipher what pressures are things I need to respond to and which are my brain telling me I am useless, hopeless and failing to meet my ‘duties’.
I think this is also why I write. As I write I find I am starting to make sense of the various thoughts in my head. What does it mean to be me?
This, I suppose, is the ultimate question that we seek to have answered. I am trying to start some serious research into this topic. Not necessarily in a structured format, breaking down my character into sections. More by starting to research who the bible says I am. What does the encouragement and promises in the bible mean for my day to day living?
I don’t know how to answer it yet but hopefully over time I will start to be able to see something of a story.
In the mean time, I shall continue my odd combination of laughing, crying and being bemused by my brain, entertaining those around me with this erratic combination and a befuddled expression.