I have discovered in recent weeks that I am afraid. Very afraid. Life is such a huge adventure and I have hit a point in the adventure where I don’t know how to move forwards. For a few months I have been hiding behind the half valid excuse of my mental health which impacts on every part of my life – but more recently it has been ruling it, in a way it does not need to.
I want to do a lot in my life, I want to live. But the fear I am living with is paralysing me, glueing me to this spot, where I am dreaming big and doing very little to achieve those dreams. I have been hiding behind the fact that, after business of the new year (for more info on what I was working on see here), I needed a break, time to recover. In February I really needed the space, at that time my mental health was needing me to stop and recover. March though, was a different story, I began to hide.
There have been so many changes in my life this year, I find I don’t know where to turn. Every fear I have ever had, every doubt in my own skill, every worry about my character has come out to play. How could I possibly achieve my dreams? How could I possibly fight for others? How could I live life in all it’s fullness, when I am just me? Weak, sick, not an expert in anything other than my own life and little more than the over vocal ABCD.
In my last post I talked a little about the absence of hope I found myself in, and as I regain the hope I find I want to fight harder against the crushing weight of fear that is currently dominating the skyline of my future, but I have no idea though where to find the courage to start.
The always wise Wendy Beech-Ward put me onto ‘Love Does‘ by Bob Goff. Here is a man who is ordinary and yet extraordinary. He is a man who DOES. I wish I was someone who did, but I am always holding back. What if people think I’m stupid, or even worse – I fail!?
But this book opens up the opportunity to do. I am inspired by his ability to respond to the situations that arise in his life, to take it all as a lesson rather than a test. It seems obvious, the do not fear thing, but it seems that all my theories have remained just that. I want to learn to step out and do. To be fearless.
Having said all this of course, I have no idea really of where to start. Maybe I will just begin with yes.