I have discovered in recent weeks that I am afraid. Very afraid. Life is such a huge adventure and I have hit a point  in the adventure where I don’t know how to move forwards. For a few months I have been hiding behind the half valid excuse of my mental health which impacts on every part of my life – but more recently it has been ruling it, in a way it does not need to.

I want to do a lot in my life, I want to live. But the fear I am living with is paralysing me, glueing me to this spot, where I am dreaming big and doing very little to achieve those dreams. I have been hiding behind the fact that, after business of the new year (for more info on what I was working on see here), I needed a break, time to recover. In February I really needed the space, at that time my mental health was needing me to stop and recover. March though, was a different story, I began to hide.

There have been so many changes in my life this year, I find I don’t know where to turn. Every fear I have ever had, every doubt in my own skill, every worry about my character has come out to play. How could I possibly achieve my dreams? How could I possibly fight for others? How could I live life in all it’s fullness, when I am just me? Weak, sick, not an expert in anything other than my own life and little more than the over vocal ABCD.

In my last post I talked a little about the absence of hope I found myself in, and as I regain the hope I find I want to fight harder against the crushing weight of fear that is currently dominating the skyline of my future, but I have no idea though where to find the courage to start.

The always wise Wendy Beech-Ward put me onto ‘Love Does‘ by Bob Goff. Here is a man who is ordinary and yet extraordinary. He is a man who DOES. I wish I was someone who did, but I am always holding back. What if people think I’m stupid, or even worse – I fail!?

But this book opens up the opportunity to do. I am inspired by his ability to respond to the situations that arise in his life, to take it all as a lesson rather than a test. It seems obvious, the do not fear thing, but it seems that all my theories have remained just that. I want to learn to step out and do. To be fearless.

Having said all this of course, I have no idea really of where to start. Maybe I will just begin with yes.

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  • Ha! So my world at the moment. I’m having to pray for daily bread each day and it’s come hard to me who’s used to managing ok. And yet I don’t want to miss being a doer, a blesser, a giver. So I’m loading up my rucksack with Mars bars so that I’ve something for anyone who asks; and I’m going to put myself in the way of people with a kind word and a smile. Don’t have much for now, but let’s make what we have count! Always brings a smile to my heart when I read your blog.

  • I don’t know quite what to say except that feel the same so often, fear can be so paralysing. I get so sick of having to use so much courage on small every day things, suppose it’s good practice?
    I find psalm 18 helpful sometimes, “with my God’s help I can scale a wall” etc

  • Ah, my friend, I know this feeling! I think it is hard when you dream big, and think big. We need big thinkers and big dreamers – people who actually want to change the world – but then the bigness can get too much and start to swallow you up.

    I’ve got a project humming in my mind at the moment and I keep vacillating between “this could change the world! I could actually DO something! I could be the saviour of my very small subsection of mankind!” and “I can’t do that! I don’t know what I’m doing! I wish I were a grown-up!” And then also – “hmm…sleeeeepy. Think I’ll just hide for a while under the duvet.”

    What saves me sometimes (not always) is telling myself it’s ‘play’. I’m just going to play at XYZ. Im going to experiment. (That’s how I tricked myself into writing a book. I gave myself a deadline and said it was just an experiment. I allowed for mediocrity.)

    I say – hey, don’t aim high! Aim middle! (Because your middle will be most other people’s high).

    Oodles of love, kindred spirit girl x

  • what you wrote but heart into me – I share a lot of what you’ve said so you’ve made me feel less lonely and I am so grateful for that. xx

  • I read somewhere of a mountaineers account of his climb of Mount Everest, his highs and lows, the dangers, the fears, the elation and excitement. He spoke in great detail of his final steps to the summit and the intense overwhelming emotions he experienced as he reached the top.
    What struck me the most was his account at the start of his expedition, how his description was in stark contrast to him summating. He simply said “We set off”. This got me thinking of how different I am. Had extreme mountaineering been my thing, I have every faith that Everest would have been a reality. Only the first steps would have been my most difficult and not my final ones.
    My first steps in anything are my hardest, once I start, I almost expect to complete what is set out before me. I often get to the end, shrug my shoulders and say “Ok…what now”.
    It’s almost like all the demons and monsters are at the beginning of anything worth doing. The greater the thing we do for Christ and His glory, the greater the opposition from the enemy. So, my sister in Christ, the greater the attack, the more reason for prayer and to press on with your task.
    Again you have struck so many cords with me, and I’m sure with many others too. I look forward to reading your thoughts, feelings and emotions here, it felt like forever since your previous blog at Christmas and the one prior to this, but that’s just me being selfish.
    You and your husband are as always in my prayers, God bless and protect you both.

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