I’m sick

Yesterday morning I collapsed. Not mentally – I actually physically passed out. I even bit my lip in my unconscious state. It hurts. Since, I have mostly been in bed or on the sofa. I have felt sick, had a temperature, been all wobbly and shaky etc etc.

The thing is, I actually find myself feeling very satisfied when I am so visibly and tangibly ill. It is such a relief to know that I don’t need to justify in some way my not being up to doing stuff. I can cancel meetings, barely move and not be questioned as to why. Because, quite frankly, it is very obvious. When I stand up there is a risk I might fall over.

My point – and it will be brief, as the light of the laptop is kind of hurting my head, is that I don’t think it’s fair that I should find myself happy to be physically ill just because it is a nice relief from the mental illness explanations. I am sad that it is so much more understandable when you mention that you can’t come because you fainted, than that you can’t come because your brain is playing a merry game of ‘I hate myself’.

Maybe I am just whining because I am sick. But I am allowed to today. Because I am sick. Visibly so. And I like not having to explain that that is so.

Now back to sleep….


  • Also I can say get well soon because you expect to improve over time with either meds or body cell regeneration type stuff. Whereas if you had a depression day the last thing I’d say is get well soon cos it’s not anticipated that the condition eventually rights itself. Or is that being. Bit too negative?

  • YES!! I totally get this. I felt so chuffed when I took my temperature and it was 103 degrees. Something measurable, concrete, understandable, instantly sympathisable (that is totally a word).

    Sending you all the love – for BOTH sicknesses.

  • Totally understand! I too have been able to lie low with damaged shoulder. Have had much more support and understanding about shoulder pain than I ever have had for anxiety/depression. It is a shame as we both know which is far worse to bear. I am doing my bit for awareness though and talk much more openly to friends family about my difficulties. Also been handing out Matt Haigs book which is received so well.

  • I hope this reply finds you in strong spirits and faith.

    I think I’ve said it here before, I sometimes wish that our affliction bore some kind of outward sign; just so people could see, and we didn’t have to hide it from those who misunderstand, if they understood, we wouldn’t have to hide it…..and so on. It would go a long way to solving the carasel of repetitive behaviour, and the hideous feelings of covertosness on our behalf. I can well relate once again to your feelings of relief, at the outward sign of physical illness.

    I wonder if I may backtrack at this point, back to a previose blog of yours titled “Despair”. My thoughts of the time that surround Jesus’ crucifixion are at the time when Jesus was with the disciples in the garden of Gethsemane; Jesus requested that the disciples stay vigilant in prayer, only to find them asleep when He returned. Maybe the stress and anxiety didn’t show on The Lord up to that point, and His followers were lackadaisical about His request, until that is, when they saw Him sweating greet drops of blood, only then they sat up and took notice. I’m not pointing the finger of judgement toward the disciples in any way, just merely pointing out how difficult it is to know when a person is under such inward turmoil.

    You’re always in my prayers, more so after opening this on Wednesday evening. The title and what you wrote left me stunned, it was striking in it’s simplicity and honesty.

    If i can end on a lighter note? I hope your fat lip has gone down, you can always raise some eyebrows by commenting to people that, you’ll have to learn to duck Haha! Only make sure your husbands in on the quip.
    God bless you always.


  • I’ve just come across your blog and I wanted to say thank you so much for making me feel that I’m not the only one fighting this never ending battle with depression. Every word you write I can relate to and when the depression is at it’s worst it definitely does hurt to wake up, every day feels like a year and all you think about is when can I next sleep. I go to bed every night, praying I won’t wake up. The guilt is also horrendous and you will yourself to be stronger but you just can’t.
    I got great comfort from your words, it’s such a lonely illness too and please keep fighting as we have to believe that one day we will beat this demon in our head! x

    • I’m sorry it’s such a battle for you too. I have complete hope that one day it will ease. Just keep going is the mantra of each day! Ha. Thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot.

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