Yesterday morning I collapsed. Not mentally – I actually physically passed out. I even bit my lip in my unconscious state. It hurts. Since, I have mostly been in bed or on the sofa. I have felt sick, had a temperature, been all wobbly and shaky etc etc.
The thing is, I actually find myself feeling very satisfied when I am so visibly and tangibly ill. It is such a relief to know that I don’t need to justify in some way my not being up to doing stuff. I can cancel meetings, barely move and not be questioned as to why. Because, quite frankly, it is very obvious. When I stand up there is a risk I might fall over.
My point – and it will be brief, as the light of the laptop is kind of hurting my head, is that I don’t think it’s fair that I should find myself happy to be physically ill just because it is a nice relief from the mental illness explanations. I am sad that it is so much more understandable when you mention that you can’t come because you fainted, than that you can’t come because your brain is playing a merry game of ‘I hate myself’.
Maybe I am just whining because I am sick. But I am allowed to today. Because I am sick. Visibly so. And I like not having to explain that that is so.
Now back to sleep….