I am feeling pretty desperate at the moment. Between Mike and me, there is such a range of physical and mental ailments that at times all feels lost. There comes a point when the question must be asked – how much more can we take?
Since getting married, my mental health has deteriorated, then stabilised, just in time for my physical health to decline. In our first year of marriage, we had one month when only I was ill, but all 11 others we both were ill at some point. So far, our second year gave us an initial false hope. Mike seemed better – my health remained poor then fell off a cliff, and now we are once again in a position where half the time both of us are sitting at home wondering how life got so darn hard.
I find that recently I feel increasingly isolated, not because we don’t have a strong network of people who love and support us, but because when I see people, I find more and more I have to find some energy from the puddle that used to be a lake. I have to think about the consequences of every encounter, I have to plan ahead, because the puddle is refilling so slowly that in any given week I need to account for every drop so as not to use it all up.
I am scared now, I look forwards and struggle to see how we will cope. We are both so tired and drained, and there seems to be little comfort to reach for.
I find that increasingly when people talk of healing I want to switch off and walk away. I don’t want to hear hopeful stories of people like me being healed because I don’t believe it is going to happen for us – my experience more often than not, defeats my faith. The fight to keep it alive often takes more energy than I have. But I want to keep up, to have a clean, organised and tidy house, to have work, and a social life. I want to be able to go to church and homegroup regularly, I want to go out for date nights more often than we stay in for them. I want to see something shift, but the practicalities of life get in the way of my hope leaving me lost.
Where is God in the continual battle and the never changing story? Where is the hope of health? The daily slog seems to be draining the comfort I find in God and yet, I am in a place where that comfort is easier to find than ever. I feel like there is a battle raging in my mind – the hope vs the despair. I don’t know which is winning, but today all feels lost. I want our lives to change. I want health, I want hope to be fulfilled, I just wish I knew how to get it.
So, we plod on, in sickness and in health. Understanding more and more of what that vow meant. Waiting, hoping, longing for change, and going through the peaks and troughs of hope and despair. Life is a roller coaster I guess, I just wish there were less vomit inducing loop the loops….