Dear God

I am confused. I don’t really know what you are doing or where you are. You feel present, like a nice blanket but right now I don’t really want comfort or warmth, I want change.

I am aware of your presence and each day you seem to offer me a glimmer of hope, but then the next day it gets snatched away.

I don’t understand why it has to be so hard to get by, I don’t understand why life cant be easy for a short time. Why cant you act?

I don’t get why I hear so many stories of healing, the healing of people just like me and Mike, but you keep on passing us by.

I don’t understand why you sit with me in the hole of my depression and let me know you are there, when you have the power to fix it.

I don’t want to be angry with you, because you do consistently offer me hope and comfort. I don’t want to be angry with you because you have been the one constant source of peace in my darkest times.

But today, I feel angry. I feel frustrated that again, after endless prayer we are hitting another dead end. Another point of no answers.

You have reached out to me so many times in the last few weeks, you have been so loving and generous, but why won’t you give me the one thing we so desperately need?

I confess, I don’t understand you. I think that’s the way it should be, but sometimes, the mystery is too much. Its stressful and overwhelming to know that you love me, to experience that in so many ways, except in the one way I beg for.

I don’t want to be patient anymore. I don’t want to hope for a better tomorrow. I want it today. I want answers and change.

I get that suffering and struggle leads to perseverance, character and hope, but God, when does the hope lead to change?

I’m saying this because really I don’t want to be angry and frustrated. I want to trust and hope and believe that you are here, that in the darkness you are the constant. That you have heard me and love me, you will answer me.

I am saying it because once it’s said, I can let go of the fear and doubt and anger. I can know your peace and believe in your promises knowing that you love me, hear me and are here in it.

I know I sound contradictory and like I don’t know what I think of you right now, but really that’s just because I am confused and a little lost.

Thanks for listening, I feel better now.

Love you,

Katharine

1 Comment

  • I am an occasional reader of your blog, and am so sorry to read that you seem to be going through a particularly difficult struggle at the moment.

    I speak to many people who suffer from depression at the Samaritans, that I almost feel I understand what it’s like, though of course I can’t really – I can only begin to imagine what it feels like. At Samaritans we are forbidden to share our religious beliefs (or otherwise) with callers, but here I can say what I could not say when on duty:

    You are in my prayers. May God’s light shine through your darkness.

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