I haven’t blogged in while. It’s been a bit of a busy time, what with having a baby and trying to finish my book and buying a house and planning to leave London and changing my medication…
I hate change. It’s one of my major triggers for my anxiety. I find it unsettling and it makes me feel overwhelmed and tearful.
Amongst all this change I have been struggling to work out what I am thinking, but one thought keeps coming back to me – who the hell am I now? Now, there is the obvious answer of ‘the same person you have always been, just with a baby’ and I guess that is true. The problem is, I don’t feel the same. Not in a ‘this magical beautiful wonderful thing just happened to me and my life couldn’t be happier, and being a mum is simply the most incredible thing, I feel like I was born to do this’ sort of way that some people seem to get.
More in a ‘I’m lost’ sort of way.
It is only in the last few weeks I have been able to say I ‘enjoy’ being a mum. Before, I would have said I love my son and he is fun sometimes but he is also exhausting. Now, I can say I enjoy it quite often. He is interactive and interesting and giggles a lot, which is an irresistible sound!
The thing is though, I now find myself consumed by this miniature human and doubting everything I have ever been and could ever be. I’m writing a book, but I really don’t trust that it’s any good, I’m hoping the publisher will not publish it if it’s not, but there is always a risk that I will make a complete fool out of myself and have to hide away for the rest of my life. I have lost confidence in my ability to write. I have lost confidence in my ability to do anything. I certainly don’t feel confident in my parenting skills!
My mood yo-yos in a way that I cant predict. It used to be that I could anticipate a low mood, and I could prepare myself for it. Now it hits my out of nowhere and leaves me wondering what happened. I used to at least be ‘good’ at being depressed, but now even that feels like something new and different.
I have taken to catastrophizing everything – what if Mike dies? Or Elijah dies? What if the bus I am on crashes? What if? What if? What if? Everything I do has a potential for disaster attached.
I also seem to be taking on the emotions of those around me more than ever before. If someone is sad, I am sad. If something awful happens to a stranger, I grieve. My empathy radar feels out of control and as a result my mood seems out of control.
In essence, I want to be me again. Or feel like me again. But I don’t want to go back to life before this tiny human arrived, because honestly, he is just a little too perfect to ignore. I just want to feel a little more settled.
Apparently this is all totally normal when you have a new baby, so I am just going to ride it out and see where I end up and what I end up doing. I’m hoping I start to feel a little more ‘me’ like soon though.
In the mean time, I’m just going to spend time watching Elijah’s little squidgy face and listening to him giggle…