All change

I haven’t blogged in while. It’s been a bit of a busy time, what with having a baby and trying to finish my book and buying a house and planning to leave London and changing my medication…

I hate change. It’s one of my major triggers for my anxiety. I find it unsettling and it makes me feel overwhelmed and tearful.

Amongst all this change I have been struggling to work out what I am thinking, but one thought keeps coming back to me – who the hell am I now? Now, there is the obvious answer of ‘the same person you have always been, just with a baby’ and I guess that is true. The problem is, I don’t feel the same. Not in a ‘this magical beautiful wonderful thing just happened to me and my life couldn’t be happier, and being a mum is simply the most incredible thing, I feel like I was born to do this’ sort of way that some people seem to get.

More in a ‘I’m lost’ sort of way.

It is only in the last few weeks I have been able to say I ‘enjoy’ being a mum. Before, I would have said I love my son and he is fun sometimes but he is also exhausting. Now, I can say I enjoy it quite often. He is interactive and interesting and giggles a lot, which is an irresistible sound!

The thing is though, I now find myself consumed by this miniature human and doubting everything I have ever been and could ever be. I’m writing a book, but I really don’t trust that it’s any good, I’m hoping the publisher will not publish it if it’s not, but there is always a risk that I will make a complete fool out of myself and have to hide away for the rest of my life. I have lost confidence in my ability to write. I have lost confidence in my ability to do anything. I certainly don’t feel confident in my parenting skills!

My mood yo-yos in a way that I cant predict. It used to be that I could anticipate a low mood, and I could prepare myself for it. Now it hits my out of nowhere and leaves me wondering what happened. I used to at least be ‘good’ at being depressed, but now even that feels like something new and different.

I have taken to catastrophizing everything – what if Mike dies? Or Elijah dies? What if the bus I am on crashes? What if? What if? What if? Everything I do has a potential for disaster attached.

I also seem to be taking on the emotions of those around me more than ever before. If someone is sad, I am sad. If something awful happens to a stranger, I grieve. My empathy radar feels out of control and as a result my mood seems out of control.

In essence, I want to be me again. Or feel like me again. But I don’t want to go back to life before this tiny human arrived, because honestly, he is just a little too perfect to ignore. I just want to feel a little more settled.

Apparently this is all totally normal when you have a new baby, so I am just going to ride it out and see where I end up and what I end up doing. I’m hoping I start to feel a little more ‘me’ like soon though.

In the mean time, I’m just going to spend time watching Elijah’s little squidgy face and listening to him giggle…

2 Comments

  • Having a baby changes everything in so many fundamental and unexpected ways. My daughter is over 30 but I still remember the dreadful feeling of being adrift in a sea of incompetence and the awful realisation that things would/could never go back to being “normal.” Watching her going through the same experience last summer with her baby was sooo painful at times. Acknowledging that these feelings are normal is really important. Thank you for being brace enough to share them. I wish I had known that other mums felt the same all those years ago. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Hx

  • My anxiety and depression also manifests itself during periods of change, which internally I equate with uncertainty and negative future scenarios.
    Without change, however, development wouldn’t be possible. But modern life seems at times to be nothing but change.
    For highly sensitive people, courage is everything. The courage to get out of bed. The courage to accept. The courage to keep going. The courage to change something if it isn’t working out – the type of courage I need to find, to leave a stressful job which is making me miserable.
    I think leaving London will do you the world of good, though. The metropolis is just too overwhelming and I’ve found nature to be the best healer.

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