I live every day with the reality of depression and anxiety crushing down on me. Most of the time, this is just an irritating fact of life that I manage. It is something I tolerate and just resist. Every now and then though, the battle becomes more real, more painful, more overwhelming.
This has been the case over the past week and it seems that I am once again feeling crushed under the weight of my guilt at the burden I inflict upon those I love.
I live in fear of being found out, of my friends and husband discovering just how useless I truly am, just how weak, just how selfish. There is so much in this that I know is a lie, I understand the reality has become warped. That truth though does nothing to temper the weight I feel. The pain sitting in my chest, the fear raging through my head.
When I feel like this I want to talk about it lots. I want to be able to say to everyone again and again that my head hurts, that I am broken today. I don’t, because I am terrified of being someone who irritates. I feel it creeping up and I notice myself having the same conversations again and again with friends and I become afraid. What if they get fed up? What if they stop hanging out with me?
I talk about it because otherwise it sits in my head, building, growing, expanding and aching. As it grows the fear and darkness increases and I feel myself sinking under the crushing weight.
The fact is, I am 100% an external processor. I can’t figure out what’s happening in my head without repeating the conversations or writing it out. As I write this I feel like poison is being drawn from me, taking out some of the hurt.
People with mental health problems tend to go one of two ways – talking or hiding. I have always wished I was a hider, because then at least I wouldn’t be such a burden to others, but the truth is, it’s how I survive.
So here are my fears:
- That I will lose my friends as they get fed up of my being needy and demanding and terrified of being on my own for any amount of time.
- That Mike will lose patience or energy to look after me.
- That I really am the nothing my brain is telling me I am and there is nothing I can do about it.
Here is my response:
- To trust in the honesty, integrity and good nature of my friends and believe that they truly wouldn’t just hang out with me if they didn’t like me.
- To believe Mike loves me.
- To go back to God. To remember all he is and all he has been in my life and all he has done for me. To remember this will pass but He will remain and to rest in the hope of peace that will come.
I am sorry if I seem needier than normal over the coming weeks. And thank you, to all of you who support me virtually and physically!