When praying for healing I often find myself in a Peter Pan sort of mentality. I am terrified that my lack of faith, or possible subconscious lack of faith might get in the way of my healing. So, I find myself repeating ‘I believe’ to myself over and over, just in case something is happening and my unbelief halts it in its tracks.
I have heard a lot of talks on healing which unpack it theologically in all sorts of ways. Sometimes we are told that if we don’t have faith we won’t be healed – hence the blame and guilt so many of those with long term health issues face in certain church communities. Sometimes we are told that we just need a tiny bit of faith – faith as small as a mustard seed. I have also heard that regardless of our faith God can heal because, you know, he is God!
I honestly couldn’t tell you one minute to the next what I believe on healing. I believe God heals, but how, when and why defeats me.
Why do some people get an answer quickly and others don’t in a lifetime? Why are some minor injuries healed when major things go unnoticed? What is God’s criteria for healing someone? We are told he wants to heal everyone – so why doesn’t he? We are told all we have to do is ask, so why doesn’t he answer?
There are so many wise and clever people who have written on healing and many more who have experienced it. By that, I mean the act of cure for physical ailments – I do believe that every time we pray for healing God answers, just not always in the cure type way we ask…
However, I find myself tonight getting all stroppy because I am ill. Again. I feel life and ill health are relentless. I have been hit by a virus that has taken so much energy from me I can’t pick up Elijah or walk up the stairs without needing a lengthy lie down. I’m dizzy and nauseous, lights, noises, smells and touch all seem louder and more intrusive.
So, in a moment of desperation I prayed for healing. Remarkably, I feel slightly better. Maybe it’s coincidence or placebo. Maybe it’s all in my head. But I don’t think so. So, I find myself muttering ‘I believe’ in the hope, that all the healing won’t die and I might get better…
I believe in fairies!